My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize