Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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