I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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