and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
