think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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