She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
