On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
