After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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