i think my tv is drunk
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
