cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
