Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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