I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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