Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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