I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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