ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
