just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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