U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
