My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just threw up on my dentist
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
