That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
