I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
