the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
