I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
