dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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