Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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