Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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