guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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