my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
