I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
