i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
only if we run a train.
done.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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