The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
