he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
