Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
