piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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