I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
