What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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