I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
