Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
