I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
