we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
