I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
