Yo dont text me then not text me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
