a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Found the puke drawer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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