I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
