Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
