i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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