How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
