By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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