I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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