don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
