He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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