dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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