She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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