My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
