I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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