dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
