I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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