This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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