No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
