omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
