If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
