And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
