No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
