meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I will pee on everything he values.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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